I just need you to read. There something wrong with me mentally and emotionally. I should be happy because of the position I’m in. I’m married to a great woman. I’m moving into a brand new house. I have a job. And I’m fairly healthy. But inside I don’t feel happy. When I’m alone my mind is not where I want it to be. I’m so fucked . I can’t talk to anyone about it and the frustration just builds up. I feel like I’m going to explode. Ive never felt this bad and alone while being with someone. And age hadn’t done anything at all for me to feel this way. She’s great. Attentive understanding kind has a big heart. But we don’t want the same things. She wants kids and I did too but the more I think about it the less I want kids. I love to travel be out exploring. She likes just staying home and doing nothing. That drives me crazy sometimes. But its no excuse for me to feel this way. Idk what to do. I wish good just did obeying of me and told me what I should do. But thats not the case. Someone help. I’m desperate. I need solutions. I don’t like hurting people. It sucks to know that if I were in her position I would be so devastated.
today is thursday the 5th of april, and im taking step one to a more honest and god loving life. baby steps is key. ive been so wrapped up in bad habits and i know im the only one that can change my ways . i dont expect to be perfect and change overnight but with a little prayer of thanks to god for the lessons ive learned and the mistakes ive made that enabled me to learn, i know that im getting the the ball rolling. step one for me is to break my lazy habit. i complain about not having enough time to do things like go to the gym, eat right, and jot down my thoughts but looking at it from a new point of view , IM LAZY !! i do work 10 hrs a day 4 days a week but thats no excuse, i still have time to get home , snack, gym, eat, and write. on my days off i wake up early and i just sit there like a lazy ass. its disgusting when i think back at all the time i waste. reminds me of a little lyric a wrote a couple of years ago when a broke my leg and had all the time in the world . it goes a little something like this : whats on my mind . time . and why is it so hard to find . you can see it on clocks . wrist watches and peoples mugs . but all it does is just fly by . its 3 30 in the morning . cant catch a lick of sleep . tv is off cuz infomercials arent important . and all i can do is play with my teeth . look up at the roof and wonder . why has time left me in a blunder . or better yet a blender . cuz im mixed with memories conspiracies and thoughts of surrender . nostalgia hits my brain . i lose myself in thoughts . and dont notice time slipping away . when i come too . im confused . cuz my time has gone . sailed off . into the land of the lost.